The Empty Soda Can

When we moved back to Lafayette, almost 5½ years ago, I looked out our bedroom window and saw a traffic light. I don’t know exactly why, but that traffic light was very comforting to me. I suppose it stood as a constant, my connection to the world. Even though it was off in the distance, it stood as a reminder that even in the midst of the cornfields, we were not in the middle of nowhere; we were on the edge of somewhere. I looked out at it, almost every night, as it changed from green to amber to red and back. It was my traffic light, and I loved it. Since that time, a lot has changed, around here. One of the streets that intersects at that light has been widened and combined with another street, necessitating a new and larger-sounding name. The other street has undergone significant construction, including a four-lane bridge over the railroad tracks where we used to have to wait for trains to pass. A factory has gone up on the corner of the two; a warehouse sits next to it; a th...

Tonight, while Anna and I were watching a show, our six-year-old daughter, Leah, came downstairs, obviously slightly distressed. Anna asked her what was up; Leah responded that she had to go to the bathroom—a rather cryptic statement, since there is a perfectly good bathroom, perhaps ten steps from her room, which she uses all the time. Still, we told her that that was fine and encouraged her to use the downstairs bathroom and get back to bed. For whatever reason, Leah then proceeded to enter the kitchen—which, for those who have never been in our kitchen, does indeed feature running water, but does not particularly qualify as a bathroom. We asked her why she was going in there, but she didn’t answer, which of course led us to ask her again. This continued for about thirty seconds. When she finally came back out of the kitchen, Leah again looked slightly confused. And again, we told her to go to the bathroom and head to bead. Her response: to walk right back into the kitchen...

When I was a sophomore in high school, there was a guy in my English class named Jeff Little. Jeff Little often wore flannel shirts and was thus dubbed “Flannelman” by the class clown, Chris Ziegler (whom, I now realize, I hero-worshipped for his ability to make everyone laugh). One day, during our study of Mark Twain’s The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn , we were discussing things that men and women just naturally do differently. Our teacher, Ms. Furia, asked us each to look at our fingernails. In general, the boys all held up our hands, palms facing us, our fingers bent halfway into a fist. The girls, on the other hand, held their hands with palms out and fingers extended. As Ms. Furia explained the difference, I happened to notice Jeff Little suddenly drop his hands to his side and glance around embarrassedly. Chris Ziegler obviously caught it, too, and deadpanned loudly enough for all to hear, “Flannelman seems a mite confused.” Of course, this was met with raucous laughter an...

An online friend recently alerted me to an article in Psychology Today entitled “ Colorblind Ideology is a Form of Racism .” I looked it over, and the author, Monnica Williams, Ph.D., makes a fairly intelligent-sounding case for her proposition. Unfortunately, at further glance the article boils down to an exercise in circular logic. As I commented on the original Facebook share: [B]asically, the author’s argument is that we shouldn’t work toward a colorblind society because we don’t live in a colorblind society. By that argument, we shouldn’t work for world peace because we don’t live in a peaceful world; we shouldn’t work to feed the hungry because we don’t live in a world without hunger; we shouldn’t work to educate the masses because we don’t live in a world without uneducated people. In short, if we have a goal, we must abandon it immediately because we live in a world where that goal has not yet been achieved. How does that make even the slightest amount of sense? Not su...

Today’s question comes from a high-school friend of mine, Erin Solej. She asks: “Jeff, I remember you commenting on the necessity of the electoral college, but I want to understand it better because I don't see how my vote counts with this system. Of course, I will vote, but can you please post your thoughts on this.” This is seriously a great question, Erin. I hear about this all the time—people don’t understand the Electoral College, and since people tend to fear what they don’t understand, a lot of them want to do away with it. On this point, though, I must respectfully disagree. Knowledge brings familiarity, and frankly, the Electoral College isn’t nearly as bad as some of the more outspoken among us make it out to be. So Erin, thank you so much for your question. Per your request, here are my thoughts: Back when our nation was still in diapers and the Constitution was still being written, there arose a big controversy between the states regarding representation. Some s...

So yesterday, as I walked through Walmart, I heard a guy yelling at a crying child, in the toy department. As there didn’t seem to be any physical harm occurring, I kept going, but heard part of the conversation, as best as I can recollect: Man: “Shut up!” (child keeps crying) Man: “Shut up, [name]!” (child keeps crying) Man: “SHUT UP AND STOP CRYING!” (child gets louder) Man, slightly calmer: “Look, please shut up and listen to me.” (child softens, but keeps crying) Man: “Will you listen to me? Stop crying, and listen to me?” (child stops crying) Man: “Look, we’re here to get a toy for [other child]. [Other child] is getting a toy because she did what she was told. You did not do what you were told, right?” (child whimpers) Man: “When Mommy told [other child] to go sit in the corner, she did. That’s why she’s getting a toy.” Um… parenting FAIL?

I’ve been using AppleScript for years now, but I’ve never had the opportunity to become really good at it. I can do a few simple things, but once I get beyond that, I pretty much have to turn to the web. So it was, this morning: my office has two large windows in it, so the ambient light varies quite a bit from day to day and hour to hour. I finally decided that I’m sick and tired of adjusting the brightness on three different displays—not to mention hoping that they’re all exactly the same—on a regular basis. So as usual, I turned to the web. After a few less useful hits, I finally came to an old blog post called “ Change Monitor Brightness Using AppleScript .” It was exactly what I needed, with three exceptions: Since it’s four years old, it hasn’t been updated for Mountain Lion. It isn’t designed to change multiple displays concurrently. It doesn’t include the ability to specify the brightness level, on the fly. Having solved all three of these problems, I post my resu...

One of the weirdest things about Netflix is how my children are able to dredge up old TV shows that are off the air for a reason. Case in point: Hanna-Barbera’s Godzilla . For those who are mercifully unaware of this show, You can check the Wikipedia page , but I’ll give you my summary of the first episode. The show seems to revolve around the crew of a small ship, consisting of the following: a white man, who is, of course, in charge. If his white maleness weren’t enough to tip you off to this fact, his name is—seriously—Captain Majors. a white woman named Quinn, which, given the next character, should be particularly humorous to fans of Sealab 2021 . a black man whose name I didn’t catch, but who is obviously intelligent because he wears glasses. a white boy, probably about ten years old, with roughly the same haircut as Velma Dinkley . a small, flying, green dinosaur named Godzooky, who seems to serve the same purpose as Scrappy-Doo , i.e. comic relief peppered wit...

Back when I was a kid, growing up in New Jersey, there were only two radio stations on any of our radar: Z-100 (WHTZ / 100.3 FM) and Power 95 (WPLJ / 95.5 FM). Between the two, Z-100 was by far the better station (IMHO). Part of that was the fact that they gave away something in the realm of $50,000/week in prizes, including some $30,000 in cash. But the other part of it was their morning show, the original Z Morning Zoo. I understand the Zoo is still running, but it lost something with the departure of its lead deejay, Scott Shannon, who the network transferred to California to start up Pirate Radio (also at 100.3 FM). Sadly, Scott didn’t gel with the west-cost crowd and, after only a year or two, was back in New York. Happily for him, when Z-100 wouldn’t give him his old job back, he went to Power 95, made their morning show #1, and has been doing it, ever since. But I digress. The point of this post is not to give a history of New York City–area pop/rock radio. The point is...

This morning, I got a call that Caller ID brought up as “MCGRAW HILL COM.” The woman was barely intelligible, but began a conversation that went something like this: “Hello, may I speak to [unintelligible] Drake?” “Yes, this is Mr. Drake.” “Hello?” “Yes.” “Is this Mr. Drake?” “Yes, this is Mr. Drake.” “Oh, okay. Hello, Mr. Drake. I am calling to talk to your about your computer, yes?” “Okay.” “Yes, well, I am calling to talk to you about your computer, because as you know, there are lots of threats on the Internet, yes?” “Mm-hmm.” “So what I want is to help you with your computer, yes?” “Okay.” “So now the first thing you are going to need to do is go to your computer, yes?” “Sure. I’m there.” “You are at your computer?” “Yes.” “Okay, Mr. Drake, and now I need you to turn your computer on.” “It’s on.” “It’s on?” “Yes, it’s on.” “Okay. Now, what I need you to do is look at your keyboard.” “Okay?” “Yes, now I need you to look at your keyboar...

I’ve noticed, over the years, that the companies that make my wife’s make-up seem to enjoy repeatedly changing the names of their colors, with no indication of why they have done so, much less what the newly renamed colors used to be called. (In fact, I only assume they even have an identical predecessor; I really have no idea.) I suspect the reason for this is that, with the exception of certain brands ( e.g. Sei Bella), once an item of make-up has been opened, it can’t be returned nor exchanged. By constantly changing the names and colors, they force women to buy dozens more items than they otherwise would, in an oft-vain attempt to continue to look the way they like. Men, on the other hand, have it a bit easier. In our society, it’s pretty much accepted that men—or, at least, the great majority of men—don’t wear make-up. As such, we never have to worry whether last week’s “Smokey Ember” is this week’s “Light Obsidian.” But we do have a handful of hygiene products that we do use, ...

Yesterday I spoke about those embarrassing moments from teenage life. Here’s another, even stranger incident from my oft–ill-fated senior year: Growing up in the metaphorical shadow of the Twin Towers had its advantages. Case in point: each year, two nights before graduation, our high school would rent out an entire ferry from the Circle Line, a sightseeing company that cruises around Manhattan Island, several times a day. The Senior Cruise was—perhaps is—a dinner/dance, once last treat for the graduates before they don their caps and gowns on Friday. Another nice thing about our school was exam week: exams began the Wednesday before graduation week and continued through the following Wednesday (the same day as the cruise), with Thursday (the day before graduation) reserved for make-up exams. The tests ran from 8:00–10:00 and 10:30–12:30 each day, but were scheduled such that very, very few people ever had more than one per day. Students from all four grades came in for any slots...

I just turned 37, this week, which may or may not have evoked some of the reflections I’ve been having. It’s more likely that it involves my upcoming 20th high school reunion, which I won’t be attending due to scheduling conflicts, just like my 10th. (I actually am interested in going, but ironically enough, we’ll be in my home town for my wife’s high school reunion, then in her home town for my 20th. Nice, huh?) Anyway, the title of this post should serve to set the stage for what I’m about to write. I was very much a nerd, throughout my school years—still am, to some extent, though that matters much less to a 37-year-old. By high school, I tried to tell myself that I didn’t care what other people thought of me, and occasionally went to great lengths to prove it. But somewhere in the deepest, darkest recesses of my mind, unbeknownst even to me (but probably quite obvious to everyone else), I did care. Even as a senior, when I had finally gained a little cred, I still longed to be i...

Before I begin, I’ll be the first to admit that I was expecting a lot, going into this. With all the hype surrounding the then-upcoming The Hunger Games movie and several members of my extended family gushing about how great the books are, I figured it would be amazing. Unfortunately, it just… wasn’t. The Hunger Games is split into three parts: The Tributes , The Games , and The Victor . (Note: while there are also three novels in the series, I am speaking only of the first novel, which is itself divided into the aforementioned parts.) What’s interesting is that while many books increase in intensity from start to finish, this one is more like a bell curve. Part I (comprising chapters 1-9) begins a bit slowly, as it necessarily lays the groundwork for the story ahead. This, of course, is to be expected, and by the end of Part I, I had come to know and love the main protagonist. As Part II (chapters 10-18) begins, I was finally fully engaged in the story, and I loved every minute o...

First of all, let me be perfectly clear. Rush Limbaugh is an idiot. I don’t like the guy, I never have, and the fact that he recently made some sexist statements doesn’t enamor me any more to his cause. I’m also not a fan of Sarah Palin, whose name will also appear in this post. Now, that being said, I just received an email that makes a very good point: what’s good for the goose is good for the gander. I honestly don’t have time to run down every one of these statements, but every one I checked is indeed legit. If you happen to find any that aren’t, please let me know. So without any further ado… Rush Limbaugh's words have given the… left the opening [it] needed, and they have pounced. Rush has apologized. But the radical left will never accept it because they despise him and want him off the air. To the left, this is simply an opportunity to put their attacks on religious liberty in a feminist frame, and an opportunity to try and shut down Limbaugh and end his career. It is...

I remember when I was a kid, a new pizza place opened up in our area. It was about half an hour away, but we’d heard it was really good, so we made the trek to try it. It lived up to the hype: their delectable pan pizza was completely different than the same old genuine New York–style pies at all nine Italian- or Italian-American–owned pizza/sub shops in our tiny New Jersey hamlet of 15,000 people. It was also expensive, but it was so delicious that we’d drive up Route 46, every few months, to take advantage of that wonderful place called “Pizza Hut.” A few years later, they opened another store—their second, in my young mind—about 10 minutes from our house. Now it was easier to get there, though our weekly pizza night continued to come from locals like Cosmo Bella or Bachagaloop’s. Still, when the craving came, we’d still head out to Totowa to get a Pizza Hut pizza and a side of cheesy garlic bread. Definitely great stuff. On the other side of the coin were burgers. Sure, we could...