Sunday, November 6, 2011

What do I do?

I’m in a world of hurt right now.

There’s a person in my life who I work with on a regular basis who obviously doesn’t even begin to appreciate what I do. It doesn’t matter how hard I try; it seems that nothing I do can ever live up to this person’s expectations. This person is constantly deriding me, telling me that I’m slow, that I’m lazy, etc.; my accuser, on the other hand, is hard-working and consequently spends most of the time cleaning up messes caused by other, ostensibly lesser people (myself apparently foremost among them).

I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to cut this person off because I really do benefit from our relationship, and I even enjoy it, when I’m not being lambasted. Furthermore, doing so would be extremely detrimental to both my personal and professional life. And yet, whenever I confront this person with my feelings, I’m made to feel even worse. There’s never any acknowledgment of the very deep hurt I’m feeling, just reassurance—generally in the form of interrupting, before I can get out a single sentence—that it’s all my own fault. Everything would be just fine, my accuser maintains, if I would just work at a minimum acceptable level. Unfortunately, I’ve come to realize that no matter how hard I try, I’m never going to reach this person’s unattainable minimum.

So what do I do? I know I have to forgive my accuser, but it’s really hard to do so, especially when the continuous nature of the hurt keeps opening up the preexisting wounds. Any feedback would be appreciated.

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