Sunday, September 19, 2010

Grief and Loss

We just got back from an adoption conference in Franklin, Tennessee. The last class we attended—and were asked to present in—dealt with grief and loss. I suppose that, given our history, the presenter figured that we’re experts.

Throughout the course of trying to build our family, we’ve experienced many kinds of grief and loss:

• We’ve suffered through severe infertility, such that we’ve only managed to get pregnant four times in almost 13 years of trying.

• We’ve suffered through two early miscarriages, wherein that pregnancy ended almost before it began.

• We’ve suffered through a later miscarriage, when our son Daniel was perfectly formed but born much too early and we got to hold our lifeless child in our hands before burying him in a tiny casket.

• Several times, we’ve suffered when an adoption opportunity fell through because, despite desperately wanting to adopt that child, the answer to our prayers was a resounding “no.”

• Several times, we’ve suffered when an adoption opportunity fell through because we didn’t match what the birthmother was looking for.

• Many times, we’ve suffered when an adoption opportunity fell through because the birthmother disappeared, and we never heard from her again.

• At least twice, we’ve suffered when an ostensible birthmother scammed us, playing with our emotions for “her” own sick amusement.

• Twice, we’ve suffered through a birthmother picking us, then backing out when she decided to parent the child herself.

In short, we’ve suffered through just about every conceivable scenario on the trying-to-become-parents front. However, as we were discussing this on the way home from this weekend’s conference, Anna pointed out that there’s one situation we actually haven’t been through: being genuinely considered by a birthmother, getting to know and love her, and having her pick someone else.

Guess what email was in my inbox, when I got home.

For those of you who haven’t been following our adoption page on Facebook, we’ve been working with a birthmother named, ironically enough, Kelli. She had gotten her list down to two couples, one of them being us. We had been getting along great, chatting and/or talking on the phone pretty much every day. On Thursday, she and I talked for hours about music, discovering that we actually have a lot in common. During that conversation, she mentioned how much she likes us; and at the end, she mentioned how much better she was feeling. (She’d been having a rough day, to that point.) Then, while we were at the conference, she made her final decision—and it wasn’t us.

I guess it’s to be expected that we’re really hurting, right now—Anna, even more than I—but I don’t feel even the least bit of anger towards Kelli. We’ve said all along that we trusted her to make the right decision, and now we have to trust that she has. I just hope and pray that our baby comes PDQ, cuz we’re already a good nine years overdue on our third living child. :-(

Please keep us in your prayers—and just as importantly, if not more so, please do something to help us! Adoption is all about contacts: the more people you contact, the quicker it will happen. Please let people know who we are. Our Greatest Wish is still to grow our family, and after all this “grief and loss” we’ve been through, we’re long since ready to actually do so.

No comments:

Post a Comment